Lies all lies!!

Well life loves to throw a curved ball to keep me on my toes!!

My son was having a tired and angry time and shouted out ‘Why did you teach me to lie!!?’

After scrapping myself of the floor and really trying to think when and where this ‘crime’ had happened ???? We chatted about this……….

It turns out that from years ago I had told him to not say what he thought but to say something nice. Now here is an example of this. My daughter, his ‘beloved’ (ok I am stretching this by miles!) sister may ask ‘Do I look nice in this?’ my poor son will struggle here as for him:

1. The strappy top is off the shoulders. He hates things not to be straight!!!

2. He has old fashioned views on clothes, where as my daughter is young and love fashion.

3. She drinks and smokes!!! he hates both!! there is a five year gap and his sister is the oldest. Enough said! He’s 20 she’s 25.

4.Fashion doesn’t always fit with my son idea of clothes to wear!

So when the dreaded question is asked, he can explains everything he sees as wrong, from the shoulder strap hanging lower on one side than the other, to his views of how horrible the skirt is! Not what my daughter asked, often, not even asked him but asked me and my son was in the same room! Well we would get meltdowns as he would not understand how being honest (to be fair a value I want to see in any of my children) can be at least painful or at worst seen as out right rude!!

I told my son just to say nothing or if pushed find something he likes to comment on.

Given food or drink when out or sharing a meal at some ones else’s home:

1. Not to demand how or what food to be placed where. This can be a problem as he is sharp about his wishes and this can be seen as demanding!

2. Not to ‘inspect’ the glasses his drink comes in! he struggles with other people not washing up their glasses right.

3. If he dislikes something on his food plate to just leave it without comment.

To him this is lying, to miss out part or all that he really feels is lying.

To not tell a person what he has bought for their birthday or if a night is planned that they don’t know about is lying!

When some one chats away and tells him some gossip to not tell anyone, makes him feel he is holding in a lie!!

So how to help with the burden he feels around these areas seems to be my next task.

If any of you have some nuggets of information, ideas of how to help place it in the comments and help us out 🙂

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Christmas is coming

Now over the years I have got to hate Christmas, as for my son, the changes that this holiday gave were too much for him. I hated the bright lights, loud music, and massive change of routine. My son would have so many melt downs and it got to a place where I not only dreaded the season, but was angry at so many people who just didn’t get what we would go through. At home the tree was a focus of his upset, decorations were torn down as fast as I put them up.
Once while I was moaning to his psychologist about how upset he was over the Christmas holiday. She told me to take off half the tree decorations, stop any flashing lights, stick to his routine (such as it was!) and tell her how that went. I felt I had been pushed aside, no real help give. Still I did what she had said, I took down half the tree’s decorations. I only put the lights on a soft glow for a short while each night. Took down most the rooms decorations and all the shiny ones. I kind of hoped she would be wrong, but you know what….. Magic happened, calm descended on our home. Melt downs were greatly reduced. I had a tree and decorations but these didn’t upset my son! My daughter had decorations up without the whole fights with her brother.
I guess I want to share that just because things have been/can be really hard, doesn’t mean that they will always stay hard. We did a small (in the great scheme of things) change and from that day our Christmas’s have improved. They have become what I wanted, a time of family and peace.
Now the kids are not kids, but in fact young adults, it is easier again. We sit around and plan what we want to do, and eat, who cares if he wants a curry or pancakes! and decorate with mostly happy results. I just want to say if Christmas is a hard time of year for you and your family, seek help, share ideas that help and support families, if you know they are having a hard time.
If you are the one having a hard time, know your not alone and you all do come out the other side, tired, yes, but you come through it. Make small changes that work for you and your family, forget the rest.
Plan with your ASD person in mind and allow yourself time off from trying too hard. That is the best thing I ever did over the Christmas and it has got better and better as the years have rolled on.